it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
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