new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
