My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
