i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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