Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
