I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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