I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
