Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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