I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
