Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
