My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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