I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
