shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
