Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
