Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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