I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
