this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
