Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
