Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
