My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Randomize