Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
