it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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