the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
