maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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