I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
