i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
