Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
