my phone needs a breathalizer
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
