Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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