but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
