I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
