I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
