just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
