you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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