I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
