Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize