I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
