she was so not down for the gang bang
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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