So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
accomplished twins. life is a go
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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