Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
