"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
