She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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