I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
