You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize