My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
