Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
