i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
