My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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