I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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