Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
