i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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