I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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