Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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