also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
