Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
