Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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