Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
