She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
