also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
