Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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