I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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