he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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