Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
