Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
