bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
