omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Be still, my beating vagina.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
