I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
