i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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