she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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