i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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