i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
