Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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