just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
