I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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