Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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