i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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