I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
