John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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