I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
