Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
