my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
can u get pink eye on your cock?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
