Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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