It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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